Rotator Cuff Recovery and MORE Changes

 

Sofitel Legend Metropole Hanoi for her birthday

"I don’t care about making photography an art. I want to make good photographs. I’d like to know who first got it into his head that dreaminess and mist is an art. Take things as they are; take good photographs and the art will take care of itself." (1923) 

- EDWARD STEICHEN, Photographer and curator, b. 1879, Luxembourg, Germany, d. 1973, West Redding, Connecticut

The good news is that I am no longer in constant pain and don't need pain meds. However, six months post-op, I am still weak! Okay, I'm not a push over, per se... but I can't take a chance of overdoing things. I have to be careful and not take unnecessary chances. Nonetheless, I'm making significant strides and improvements. Benchmarks include the ability to take off a pullover shirt, reaching higher up into the middle of my back, arm extensions with a 6 lb weight, and connecting with a right hook on a 60-pound dog that wanted to play nasty.

I've been using this time to make adjustments. The last time I spoke on this, I mentioned how the US had changed and the culture shock I experienced when I returned last September. In response, I have been reviewing and considering different approaches to this lifestyle I've chosen. I've chosen this walk and I've essentially done it alone. I've had people in my life along the way who have been there for me... the right people, the right place, and the right time. I am grateful to God for them and I pray His favor continues. 

I've been on this journey for five and a half years with currently no end in sight. The goal is a mix between Caine in "Kung Fu" and "Star Trek". I am destined to walk the earth, to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where many people have already gone, but I need to see it for myself.

I was in the US from September 2022 until May 2023. I did not know I had a complete tear in my rotator cuff. Surgery wasn't until March. During all that time, I realized I had to make some changes. My banking needs had to be adjusted. My cellular plan no longer fit me. The way I spent money put me at a disadvantage. Also in this time-frame, I jumped ship from PC to Mac with the new 16" MacBook Pro M2. I got my first new iPhone since the iPhone X Pro Max. I bought a 14 Pro Max and then I CHANGED CARRIERS! Now I don't have to deactivate my phone number when I am outside the country. I have unlimited data for text and internet here in Vietnam, but calls still cost me .20 cents/min. 

Coincidentally, I had lunch with a good British friend of mine at our favorite restaurant, Puku, here in Hanoi. Speaking on all these changes, I told him I wouldn't be opposed to changing camera systems, but Fujifilm is the only one I'd consider. I like their GFX system, but it hadn't been updated in a while. The VERY NEXT DAY, Fujifilm announced the new 102 megapixel, GFX1000 II. It's $1500 more than the previous version at $7500, but I'm giving this some serious thought. For me, I'd also have to get 2 or 3 lenses to go with it. I've got time to weigh this as I am not 100% healthy yet (6 more months to go!) and I'm sure I'd wait until I was stateside again to get it.

The main point here is, sometimes it's good to shake things up. Instead of always going right, venture left. I didn't NEED to switch from PC to Mac. I wanted a new computer. So why not switch things up a little? AT&T didn't necessarily need my business. Bank of America and Wells Fargo didn't incentivize me to stay with them. I never go into the branches. Why pay all those fees? You know what... I'm going to get into that in another blog post later. Stay tuned. 

Las Vegas surprised me the biggest. Costs were way up since I was there pre-Covid. Hotel and Uber prices/fees threw me for a loop! I'm used to paying for a Grab here in Vietnam and I've never paid more than $5 to get anywhere in the city, or $20 to get to the airport. And the resort fees? Damn, Vegas! I didn't intend to return to the US for so long, but you gotta do what you have to do. Prior to surgery, I split time between my family in TX, the kids in TN & NE, plus 50 days in Costa Rica. When I had surgery, I recovered for a month at my parents and foolishly thought I could travel! Getting back to Hanoi was the hardest physical thing I've done since Ranger school in the Army. I'm serious. It was the exhaustive. I was beat. Many, MANY thanks to the lady working at the Al Maha Lounge in Doja, Qatar. Talk about the Lord having someone in the right place for me. If not for her, I think I'd have just given up, loaded up on Oxycodone and Valium, went to sleep in a corner, and let my plane fly on without me. 

More to come on all this. I just wanted to get this rant out of my system.

Where Have I been? Where Am I Now?

If you think the worst part of your shoulder surgery recovery will be wiping with the other hand... you'd be wrong.

Hi! It's been a while, indeed! So, yes. My last blog post was at the end of February, and much has happened since then. Long story short... Rotator Cuff surgery that also included Bicep repair. If you've had this surgery, you need not read further. You already get it. For those of you who have never experienced such pain and misery, let me explain.

IT SUCKS!

I returned from Vietnam last September to see family, restock on gear, and also get the VA to look at my shoulder. The VA experience was quite an ordeal, trying to be seen, scheduling timely appointments, and ultimately settling on a surgery date. An MRI revealed I had a medium-grade, 1.3cm full-thickness tear of my right supraspinatus tendon. I had to switch over to my Community Care option in February. I got an appointment to see my civilian Orthopedic surgeon in Rockwall, Texas, and he had me on the table 3 weeks later, which turned out to be March 16th. The surgery went fantastic. The nerve block helped, but thereafter, it was me, my Percocet, and my Valium... sleeping in a recliner for a month. Oh... ICE. Ice became my biggest friend. They gave me an ice machine that you filled 1/4 with water and the rest with ice. This machine pumps ice water to a shoulder sleeve. 

Rotator Cuff tears are not what I thought they were. Not even close. I've not had an injury that takes so long to recover. I did 10 sessions of therapy while living at home with my folks. I ain't gonna lie. It's cool to be able to gallivant and traipse around the world like a wanderlusting fool, but damn... it's good to have people to go home to. My sister is a nurse. God bless her. My Pops got me to my appointments on time and waited for me. I almost wussed out at one point when I injured myself during the course of my sleep. Mama happened to be coming out of the bathroom and saw me whimpering. I told her I hurt myself. She asked if there was anything she could do. After thinking about it for a second, I deduced that there was no way she could help me, so I said no. So she went back to bed, leaving me to writhe on my own. AND I APPRECIATE THAT! I'm 54 years old. What was she supposed to do... come kiss my boo-boo to make it all better? Bake me some cookies? Give me a "hug" and tell me it's going to be alright? Nope. My Mama didn't raise no punks. Would a hug and cookies have been nice? Probably so! But that is NOT THE POINT! Mama let me be a man.

Fast forward another month, and I'm back in Hanoi, Vietnam. When I thought I was strong. TRAVEL taught me I was still a little weakling. I scheduled 4 successive flights within 10 days. I wanted to visit my kids in Nashville and Omaha, visit friends in Las Vegas, and then return to Vietnam. I made it as far as Omaha, where my son is, and had to cancel the Vegas flight. I had not the strength. THOUGHT I DID. I did NOT! I rebooked from Omaha to Vietnam, and it proved to be the most challenging physical thing I've done since leaving the military. I barely made my leg from Chicago, where I made my connecting flight to Doha in a wheelchair pushed by a nice dude with American Airlines. 

The 13-hour flight from Chi-town to Doha, Qatar, was excruciating, but once I arrived, I was able to rejuvenate myself at the Al Maja Lounge for an 8-hour layover. It truly made all the difference. I was then ready for my last leg to Hanoi. My good friend, Michael... an ex-pat businessman here, arranged for me a car and driver to pick me up and get me to the temporary apartment I arranged with my previous building manager. I am now settled in a much better spot overlooking West Lake via 4 windows. It's gorgeous, quiet, and I love it. 

What is the plan now? I'm going to sit tight, do my therapy exercises, take it easy, and contemplate how my girlfriend and I will make our lives here for the time being and when we'll move on to see the rest of the world. I'm trying to plan some different things to make life and travel easier. I have to make some changes. The world has changed. The US made some big changes in my absence, and it freaked me out. It was like a culture shock from my own culture. I need to make travel and living adjustments to meet these challenges. More to come on this, as several adjustments I've already made. It's just not enough. But I will get into that in another blog post. 

For now, just know that I am recovering. I am 11 weeks post-op, and recovery time is expected to be a full year. Sleeping in a bed is still problematic. I sleep on the couch since it's easier to stay off my injured shoulder. This experience has been depressive, agonizing, and debilitating. I've kept to myself a lot, but I'm glad to have gotten the chance to see a few friends when paths crossed. I'm still trying to keep my spirits up. I'm in a better mental place, but knowing I can expect to stay in chronic pain for AT LEAST another four months is daunting. Priorities now are to not do something stupid to reinjure or retear my tendon. Docs have warned me that this tendon does not get good blood supply and to not overdo it. So I'll continue to do my exercises, get rest, take my vitamins, and not lift any weights on this arm. That's all I can do for now. 

Stay Positive! (....right...)

"Suffering becomes beautiful when anyone bears great calamities with cheerfulness, not through insensibility but through greatness of mind."

- Aristotle

(...Still working on that one!)

Art Model, Mercy ©2011 Terrell Neasley

I had originally looked forward to chronicling my events and happenings as it relates to me recouping from my recent surgery. Now, not so much. Originally, this was going to be an adventure of discovery and re-invention. Now its turned into more of a bitch-session of my rants about how bitchy this process has become. I've got 5 and a half more weeks of this mess on crutches. Then another 6 weeks of rehab. I have ABSOLUTELY no clue how to do this. I'm inclined to head back to Texas and just let moms take care of me. But you know...MOM's got a life. Dealing with the pain and limited mobility is only one aspect of what's got me pissed off. However, the loss of independence has to be more than 50% of it all. Asking somebody for help is okay to some extent, but when it comes to just the menial tasks of doing for one's self... Its just not in me to do that and living on your own in this sort of situation is a bitch. There ain't no getting around it. It's just pure-BITCH!!

Joanie, © 2010 Terrell Neasley

Granted, I am relieved when a friend comes by to visit. Sometimes I enjoy going out to dinner with good company or something that is a distraction from the everyday crap. But that's about 6% of my time. The rest of the 94% of my day is spent just trying to not go crazy, keep busy with productive things, don't fall, and don't accidentally (or willfully) do something stupid! I was actually doing so well yesterday. I took note of the fact that the swelling was going down. The pain had considerably lessened. I was still limited on range of motion as well as mobility, but everything was looking up! That is until I started to go to bed. In an oblivious and euphoric lack of concentration, I jubilantly jumped into bed. If a full bound, I lifted off with one leg and sprang with the other. Can you feel my pain, yet? I actually never left the ground. And the leg that I "attempted" to sprang with was the wrong one, or should I say the one I JUST had surgery on. All I could basically do was crumble against the side of the bed. There was no elevation. I didn't get an inch off the floor. The moment the muscles around my knee tried to accommodate the pressure of my body weight... well, I call it white pain. That's the only way I can describe the blinding, searing, hot sensation that squeezed tears out of my eyes like Summer's juicing machine. My prayers of relief were not immediately answered. I prayed I'd just pass out. I wanted to just friggin' pass out. I've never wanted to die. But right then, I just wanted to pass the F*** out. It didn't happen. I lived through every eternal minute of that...damning my stupidity the entire time.

Wow. Did that paint a picture? Its starting to hurt again just from the thought of it. Have you ever had pain so bad, you actually lose weight from it? I kid you not...I KNOW I burned about 3 pounds on the writhing on the floor last night. There should be pre-op therapy sessions designed to prepare you for this. You shouldn't even be allowed to have this kind of surgery unless you have a stay at home wife or can afford a live-in nanny. I have no idea how many other people endure this sort of ailment or what they do to cope. I know many have endured far worse. Yes, there are others who don't even have a knee to even have surgery on. But you know what... NONE of that has anything to do with what's going on with me right now. Showing me a guy who's an amputee does not help me manage pain or my affairs. Dang, I forgot to even pay my bills til my cable got turned off! This is how disorienting all this is. My phone, car insurance, and some utilities were on the verge of getting suspended.

Okay. Like I said. I'm trying to stay positive and look forward to getting a knee that's in much better shape than it was before all this. I just don't know what to tell myself when something as uneventful as last night takes place. I mean, Damn! I just about wish I was still in good standing with an ex-girlfriend, but she's no longer in town anyway. I know that wouldn't be overall good for me, but at the moment, if you merely suggested that crack would advance me through the next several months in relative ease, I'd be spending a lot of time trying to talk myself out of it and can't say with a high degree of certainty that I'd be successful. All I know is this. This sucks. I gotta deal with it. I gotta get better. But I'm also gonna be bitchy. Where's my next nude model??!!

A New Panda!

Muse, Panda © 2012 Terrell Neasley

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars."

- Og Mandino

Wow. I went by Panda's house since I was in the area. I wanted to introduce her to my knuckles. [Insert: knuckles = kids!] Cassie and my kid-in-law came to help me get around for the first week after surgery and on the way back from one of my doctor visits, we stopped by Panda's joint. I didn't recognize her for the first .04 seconds that I saw her. She cut her hair drastically...actually she let her hubby and a friend do it! I wasn't expecting that and as I sat in my car wide-eyed as she came down the stairs to meet us, I knew I couldn't wait til I fully recuperated from the knee surgery to shoot her again. I desperately needed her new head! Well, I got that chance earlier this week and she came over to my place. I'm not taking any other assignments right now. The knee is too swollen and I'm in too much pain to try to concentrate on doing a great job. HOWEVER, shooting nudes, for some reason seems to distract me from the pain. And I've already shot Panda enough that I'm comfortable with her seeing me so vulnerable. I don't mind if all of a sudden I move incorrectly and searing pains emanates from my knee causing my body to wrack in awkward momentary contortions. I catch my breath, ease myself back into the correct position and proceed as if nothing had ever happened. Besides, it gives me something to edit during my downtime!

Muse, Panda © 2012 Terrell Neasley

I couldn't be like that in front of a client or a model whom I'm not as familiar with. Its just not a good showing or good form. It also puts too much pressure on the person I'm shooting to feel like they should help or do something when in actuality, they can't. So why then would I then shackle them the inevitable millstone of helplessness that is sure to sink them below waves of disparity at not being able to assist me? Panda would call me a Dumb-Ass and laugh at me. And to another fact, I've been specifically requested to do a NILMDTS session. I had initially considered not taking that assignment, but since I've previously shot for this family only a few months back, I felt a certain obligation to commit. I can only do this with Panda's help. She's got a car that's easy for me to get in and out of and she will assist me on this shoot. So for the time being, the only thing that can make me pick up a camera is doing a nude or a call for a NILMDTS session when I'm specifically requested (or if no one else is available).

Muse, Panda © 2012 Terrell Neasley

It's been two weeks since my surgery. I just left the doc yesterday for me two-week post-op and he gave me the lowdown. I went in sort of irritated as hell. I've been in constant pain for most all of this past two weeks, but I walked (or hobbled) in very reserved. I didn't go in blasting about how I couldn't get any stronger pain meds like I wanted to. This guy has been genuine with me from the start and the first thing he did was apologize for my discomfort. He told me everything he had to do and why it wasn't good for me to have stronger meds. My knee was basically a trash heap inside. He cleaned all that up, scrapped down to the good bone, and then proceeded to drill 20 HOLES inside all that! That's the Microfracture procedure I mentioned in the last post. I didn't know it was 20 holes, though. I was thinking maybe 5 or 6. This guy went for the shotgun effect, but he explained that it was truly necessary and that it needed to be done and that it was necessary to get deep into the good bone. This was going to leave me in a little more pain because the swelling was going to be so much more persistent.

Muse, Panda © 2012 Terrell Neasley

But you know what, I feel better about that now. I'm focusing more on the new stuff I'll be able to do when I hit the trails! I'm excited about my travels this summer! Ever seen a chained dog when suddenly let off the leash? They come blasting out the gates!! That's what I'm concentrating on. I won't be blasting, but I'm just looking forward to living again and I'm going to really make use of my long awaited ambulatory prowess. I'm going to do what I'm supposed to do and will try to make sure to not be stupid and rush ANYTHING. I've got 6 weeks of crutches. Then its at least 6 weeks of rehab. I'm going to make the best of it and get back on my feet. Not saying its not going to suck, but you know what, its no different than taking really bad-tasting medicine...except that the distasteful experience is a little longer.

Another Surgery plus 2010 Interview of Me by Karl

"My body could stand the crutches but my mind couldn't stand the sideline."

~ Michael Jordan

Wow. This has been an interesting month so far. I wish I could tell you about all the wonderful shoots I've been on, but alas, such is not the case. Knee surgery has been the theme of the month so far. Weeks of trying to prep for it and now just recovering from it. My daughter and son in law decided to take vacation time to come and assist me for the first week. I didn't think I needed it, really. I was wrong. Pain meds haven't been helping and the doc sees no reason to give me anything stronger, so I've just stopped taking anything all together. This isn't the first time I've had to deal with the VA no understanding the problem. I can't say why I don't respond like they think I should to medication. I wish I was more of a typical case for them, but I'm not.

I don't expect the kiddos had that great of a time trying to accommodate me over the last week. I know I was being a bear. I didn't want to stay seated or immobilized and the thought of having to use the word "can't" for routine tasks tasted bitter in my mouth. It wasn't until reading about my procedure online that the truth sort of sunk in to where I understood it. The docs told me I'd be looking at 6 to 8 weeks. In my mind, that adds up to half that time for me. I'm strong. I recover quicker than most. And I can handle it. 6 to 8 weeks is the general "play it safe" recovery time for the average guy. I couldn't have been more wrong. I had so many other people tell me a simple scope of the knee is an in and out 2 to 3 week thing. Even my primary care doc told me I'd be on my feet in 3 weeks top. So why was the othopedic surgeon saying 6 to 8? Well, what he knew that the others didn't was that he was also performing a Microfracture procedure on my knee, whereby you drill small holes into the larger pot-hole that's already at the end of my femur. This is supposed to encourage bone/cartilage growth to fill in the hole naturally. THAT's the part that takes so long. Weight-bearing activities such as "walking", can prohibit the bone growth. So 6 to 8 weeks ON CRUTCHES is what's prescribed.

I simply had no clue and didn't understand that I'd be on crutches this long. SIX to EIGHT weeks! Wow. I simply cannot get that out of my mind. That possibly puts me all the way out to mid-March! I've already had to postpone two projects to the end of March. I don't know if you realize it, but that also means postponing getting paid til the end of March. Which simply means I gotta slow down spending big time. Personal projects have also been postponed. My continued work with Panda is having to be delayed as well. And I have a couple other models whom I thought I'd be working with around the first week of Feb, that I've had to simple cancel til further notice.


The good thing is that I just have to get through this doing the right things. Its believed that I get another 10 to 15 years of "good knee" time, instead of what I've been dealing with over the last decade. Two months for 10 years. Not a bad trade. To my understanding, this 2 months doesn't include rehabilitation time. I won't find that out til next week. I had 10 weeks rehab for my hand last year. I read in one place where full recovery might not be expected for 6 months! So this'll be interesting.

Karl of "Looking About" blog has reposted an interview he did of me a few years ago. After a look back on that time period, I sort of wonder what my answers might be today and if any of them have changed. Not much would be different, I presume. I think I'd answer the same in about 27 of them at least. Its a good reflection because I was definitely in two different places in 2010 vs today. I was coming out of some pretty hard months in oh-10 and even the 3 years before then. In fact, I think it may even be time for another "Interview of Self" like what I did a long time ago in 2008.

1. What is your favorite word? Altruism
2. What is your least favorite word? Normal
3. What turns you on? A naked woman
4. What turns you off? Clothes!....kidding...People who don't take responsibility for themselves and pass the blame.
5. What sound or noise do you love? Bacon sizzling in the morning would be the least crass answer
6. What sound or noise do you hate? Its a tie between a high-pitched nagging voice and an alarm clock
7. What is your favorite curse word? Fuck
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Probably acting, but I used to dream about playing football
9. What profession would you not like to do? There are plenty but I'm going with Nursing. I've got much respect for them, but its not my gift.
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? Come on....Get your butt on in here!
11. What is your idea of perfect happiness? Traveling the world with boundless resources and a model that I photograph everywhere, all the time
12. What is your greatest fear? I honestly can't say I have one. I mean, I certainly don't want to be eaten by an alligator or fall from the empire state building but they are not fears of mine that I think about all the time. 
13. Which historical figure do you most identify with? Galileo Galilei, just because he's the only person I can think of who was also misunderstood.
14. Which living person do you most admire? Other than family....Billy Graham, Chris St. James, and Bill Cosby (How can you stick with just one?)
15. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? Procrastination
16. What is the trait you most deplore in others? Lack of integrity
17. What is your greatest extravagance? I spent $400 on comic books once, but I've since sold my collection and not bought another since 1994, I think.
18. On what occasion do you lie? When I have to take into account someone else's feelings and the truth is not worth the heartache or when I need to be polite because I need the business.
19. What do you dislike most about your appearance? I'm actually cool with myself. If I had to say any one thing its that I look mean when I am not smiling.
20. When and where were you happiest? Christmas at Mama Carrie's as a kid
21. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be? I'd be kinder to people and more understanding
22. If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be? Me. That's all I have control over.
23. What do you consider your greatest achievement? Jeremy and Cassie
24. If you died and came back as a person or thing what do you think it would be? As a person: A white female, just so I could experience the opposite of my current self. As far as a thing, I'd want to be a star just for the billions of years galactic experience 
25. What is your most treasured possession? My faith
26. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? A disapproval of yourself because of someone else's opinion
27. Who are your heroes in real life? My Mother
28. What is it that you most dislike? A coward
29. How would you like to die? Old age preferably, but if not, then on my feet in a way that makes it count
30. What is your motto? Stay alert, Stay alive! Hooooah!

Dominique in the Cold

Model, Dominique Jan 2011

"Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness."

 - Martin Luther King, Jr.

With Matching Bandage

One of the reasons I went camping the other week was because I knew I'd be somewhat limited this week. Last Wednesday I had surgery on my left hand to remove a small metallic ball that was lodged in my palm from my service time in Korea back around '95. At the time, I didn't notice a whole lot of pain in my palm, per se. My middle finger and wrist is another story, but I just never made the connection. Last year it began to get pretty bad. There were several times the pain almost brought me to tears. It got to a point where I absolutely could not stand it, but it took a very long process to get me to this point today.

Test after test, the waiting game continued. I often hated being around friends because I knew my pain could make them uncomfortable and it was definitely a feat for me to keep a smile on my face and act like nothing was wrong. I remember visiting my kids in TN when I got to see my grandchild for the first time. My mother and I got a hotel room for the week. The pain was unbearable and I had to take special care when holding my then one-month old grandkid. I didn't want to take away from everybody's moment of welcoming a new addition to the family for worrying over me, especially when nothing could be done at he time. I had a similar moment like that at my friend Felix's house. Hopefully, this will be an improvement.

Model, Dominique Jan 2011

The day after my camping trip, I got to photograph Dominique, the model exhibited in this post. As challenging as this shoot was, we got several great shot while she visited Vegas. The main challenge was the cold. It was in the low 40's when we started, but she really wanted to do it...that is, til the wind started howling on her naked butt! She was a real trooper, though and I did my best to keep her reasonably protected. The car was left running nearby and she kept a blanket on til right before I released the shutter. We're already making plans for her next visit.

Model, Dominique Jan 2011

Model, Dominique Jan 2011

I thought this was sort of interesting. I came across this news article by Liz Goodwin for The Lookout, a Yahoo news blog: "New Yorker searches for owner of remarkable blizzard photos". Sometimes its sort of odd to see the different crusades or causes that motivate people to act. In this case, New Yorker Todd Bieber spots a roll of undeveloped film in the snow. He develops it and is fancied by the snow and blizzard scenes of his own city. Then he's struck with this idea for a mission-quest thing to find the original owners of the film. The guy makes a video that he posts on YouTube and it goes viral. He gets very introspective as he narrates a story about his life and how his search for meaning leads him to the roll of film, critiques the images, and relates them to the owners. Its not a bad video, really. People from all over are trying to help. Even Time Magazine got in on the coverage. Personally, I like the idea. But subjectively, I have to wonder... Was this guy simply primed for a new cause in his life? Homelessness, politics, environmental save-the-planet stuff just never quite moved him, but a lost roll of film became his call to action? And I wonder how many marketing gurus have researched what concepts have the highest propensity to go viral. What's the quantitative figure that defines virality anyway? I guess the most surprising thing about the whole affair is that tourists are still using film.