Showing posts with label NILMDTS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NILMDTS. Show all posts

22 February 2013

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep


© 2012 Terrell Neasley and used with special permission from the family
"To introduce remembrance photography to parents suffering the loss of a baby with a free gift of professional portraiture." 
~ NILMDTS Mission Statement

I received a text message on my phone from my area coordinator that requested a photographer come to one of the hospitals in the Las Vegas area. It was Super Bowl Sunday. I was out of town at the time. I watched my phone during the football game in-between plays to see who was going to respond to the urgent call. There were responses but all of them were replying, "Unavailable."

In most situations like this, if I'm busy but no one else is available, I'll try to take it upon myself to drop what I'm doing and answer that call, but I was 2,000 miles away this time. A baby had died. On Super Bowl Sunday. And of the few photographers who serve with the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Foundation in the Las Vegas area, none were available because there are SO FEW of us doing it. All of us are professionals at what we do and when lacking in numbers the way we are, its inevitable that a call will go unanswered. However, this was a first for me in the three years I've been doing this. A hospital called on behalf of grieving parents and the call went unanswered.

© 2012 Terrell Neasley and used with
special permission from the family
So I'd like to make a special appeal to the local Las Vegas area photographers to consider donating some time to this cause. It is not an easy task by any means. A mother gives birth to a child who, for whatever reason, is not going to make it or may actually be stillborn. The only records that prove this child ever existed will be a birth and a death certificate with dates too close together. Many people will not understand this service and some may disagree with it. Nonetheless, that child still made an impact in this world if only for the briefest of moments. Lives that ripple out from the parents are affected...brothers and sisters, grandparents, friends of the family, and others. That child will be missed and that pain of loss can radiate outwards for quite some time. Having a well-done portraiture will mark the occasion better than anything else, as well as help bring healing, and a more positive way to remember that child.


© 2012 Terrell Neasley and used with
special permission from the family
Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is a global foundation of affiliate photographers and volunteers who offer their professional services FREE of charge and at their own expense. The foundation serves the community by doing portraits of the babies and families involved. Last year, I photographed the family you see in these images who gave me special permission to use them to promote this cause. I very much appreciate their desire to help me ask you for your help. We are too few in numbers here in the Las Vegas Valley and could use your help. This is not an easy portrait session to so. Taking memorable photos of a deceased child or a dying child will be one of the hardest things you will encounter. Nonetheless, the need for our services is great and is only equaled by the need for more photographers to volunteer the help.

Right now is a great time to find out more about the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep foundation and to see if you can serve. The WPPI (Wedding and Portrait Photographers International) 2013 Convention is just around the corner and there will be a NILMDTS booth on the Expo floor. Better than this however, are the NILMDTS Certification classes that always accompany WPPI Conventions. So this is an excellent opportunity to submit your portfolios for review, get accepted, and attend the certification course in just a few weeks. So visit the site to become an affiliate photographer for the Las Vegas area and give us a hand in giving back to our community. We don't want anyone else to be turned away.

© 2012 Terrell Neasley and used with special permission from the family
If you simply KNOW for a fact that this is not for you, then no worries. No hard feelings. I have genres of photography that simply aren't for me as well. That's understood. It takes both a stomach and a heart to do this. No two assignments or cases are alike. I've been on some like the family in these pictures where I was with the family for 16 hours. Others were less than an hour. That doesn't matter. All that counts is answering the call, doing the job, and delivering your best work. For more information on Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, please peruse the website, contact the staff, or contact myself. I can only end this blog with this; We need your help. Even if you are not a photographer, there are ways you can volunteer or donate to the foundation. Thanks.

20 February 2012

WPPI and Some New Directions

"When you’re finished changing, you’re finished." 
- Benjamin Franklin

Model, Viki Vegas
This past week has been the start of WPPI, (Wedding and Portrait Photographers International). Its quite a big event and is being held at the MGM Convention Center. In spite of my current condition, I decided I'd attend WPPI University, or WPPI U at the MGM Grand Convention Center here in Vegas. It was 2 days of workshops, seminars, and lectures dealing with photography and its related issues. Some of it was motivational and some instructional, but we had the benefit of 13 speakers who are leaders in their trade come talk to about 400 attendees. I think without a doubt, Joe Buissink was my favorite. He was informative and inspiring, as well as a great speaker. Sue Bryce was also a talented host and speaker. The thing that seemed to be a common denominator between several of these speakers is the notion that they came from nothing special and built themselves into million-dollar studios. They all faced challenges and had to overcome obstacles, but they weren't given any advantages that made them any more special than the rest of us. So if there was any one message that I think they were trying to say collectively is that if they can do it the rest of us can too.

Model, Wonderhussy

My challenges were just in the attending. I decided at the last minute to be there after I read about some of the course schedules. My main focus was on day two, where a few speakers were discussing some of the business aspects of photography which is my main focus right now. Just getting from my car to the convention center was my biggest challenge. Then I realized I had to depend on the kindness of strangers to help me just get a simple cup of water back to may seat. I met a few people who sat around me that proved helpful as well as good company. The bathroom wasn't that near when you're on crutches. I woke up this morning with sore palms from carrying my weight so much on the handles of the crutches. Day two was incredibly exhausting. It was 12 hours of class time and when I got home, I was beat. I got to bed about 1am and woke up around 5am. But somewhere right before I was getting ready to make myself some waffles, I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew my phone was ringing and it woke me up around 3 in the afternoon! I have no idea how I got back in bed, nor do I recall even falling asleep. I was due back up at WPPI that afternoon to meet with some of my NILMDTS cohorts at 2pm. I totally missed it.

Model, Wonderhussy
Taxes and accounting best practices, branding, back-up protection, etc., are some of the WPPI U topics I had an interested in. I have a MBA. I know management, marketing. I can do a lot of this on my own. But WANTING to do it is something else. I hate taxes and record-keeping. I don't want to concern myself with branding. I'd much rather have someone else do that for me. I've been rereading and reevaluating my business plan to see what has changed. Several aspects of my focus is indeed going in a different direction. My initial back-up solution is going to be different from what I initially outlined. The website will be changed and eventually another blog will be put in place. While Photo Anthems will be the primary domain name, I've recently registered some more. I picked up a speaker Craig Heidermann's Legal and Business Forms for Wedding and Portrait Photographers. He's has two careers as a full time attorney and a full-time photographer. I want to review all my current contracts after he pointed out a few things I hadn't considered in my own.

Model, Brittany V
Julieanne Kost, from Adobe, has got to be one of the most entertaining lecturers on nerd-related topics. She's a Photoshop wizard/guru/freak/nut. I'm telling you this woman can work layers like nobody's business. Check out her blog and get educated. She did a presentation on Adobe Lightroom and I now believe I'll start using it. She outlined some benefits I think I can actually use whereas before, I couldn't see how I was missing anything by using Bridge. All the other speakers where motivational or dealt with lighting and posing techniques. While informative, it wasn't where my interests currently lie. Some of the advice they gave I had to totally dismiss because it just wasn't my style. I identified most with Joe Buissink because his shooting style was closer to my own. Some of the people sitting next to me where surprised by his approach to photography while I just smiled, feeling validated to some degree.

The rest of this year is going to be way different from anything I had initially imagined last year. My goals have changed and my priorities have altered. I just need to heal so I can get started on it all.

26 January 2012

A New Panda!

Muse, Panda © 2012 Terrell Neasley


"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars."

- Og Mandino

Wow. I went by Panda's house since I was in the area. I wanted to introduce her to my knuckles. [Insert: knuckles = kids!] Cassie and my kid-in-law came to help me get around for the first week after surgery and on the way back from one of my doctor visits, we stopped by Panda's joint. I didn't recognize her for the first .04 seconds that I saw her. She cut her hair drastically...actually she let her hubby and a friend do it! I wasn't expecting that and as I sat in my car wide-eyed as she came down the stairs to meet us, I knew I couldn't wait til I fully recuperated from the knee surgery to shoot her again. I desperately needed her new head! Well, I got that chance earlier this week and she came over to my place. I'm not taking any other assignments right now. The knee is too swollen and I'm in too much pain to try to concentrate on doing a great job. HOWEVER, shooting nudes, for some reason seems to distract me from the pain. And I've already shot Panda enough that I'm comfortable with her seeing me so vulnerable. I don't mind if all of a sudden I move incorrectly and searing pains emanates from my knee causing my body to wrack in awkward momentary contortions. I catch my breath, ease myself back into the correct position and proceed as if nothing had ever happened. Besides, it gives me something to edit during my downtime!

Muse, Panda © 2012 Terrell Neasley
I couldn't be like that in front of a client or a model whom I'm not as familiar with. Its just not a good showing or good form. It also puts too much pressure on the person I'm shooting to feel like they should help or do something when in actuality, they can't. So why then would I then shackle them the inevitable millstone of helplessness that is sure to sink them below waves of disparity at not being able to assist me? Panda would call me a Dumb-Ass and laugh at me. And to another fact, I've been specifically requested to do a NILMDTS session. I had initially considered not taking that assignment, but since I've previously shot for this family only a few months back, I felt a certain obligation to commit. I can only do this with Panda's help. She's got a car that's easy for me to get in and out of and she will assist me on this shoot. So for the time being, the only thing that can make me pick up a camera is doing a nude or a call for a NILMDTS session when I'm specifically requested (or if no one else is available).


Muse, Panda © 2012 Terrell Neasley

It's been two weeks since my surgery. I just left the doc yesterday for me two-week post-op and he gave me the lowdown. I went in sort of irritated as hell. I've been in constant pain for most all of this past two weeks, but I walked (or hobbled) in very reserved. I didn't go in blasting about how I couldn't get any stronger pain meds like I wanted to. This guy has been genuine with me from the start and the first thing he did was apologize for my discomfort. He told me everything he had to do and why it wasn't good for me to have stronger meds. My knee was basically a trash heap inside. He cleaned all that up, scrapped down to the good bone, and then proceeded to drill 20 HOLES inside all that! That's the Microfracture procedure I mentioned in the last post. I didn't know it was 20 holes, though. I was thinking maybe 5 or 6. This guy went for the shotgun effect, but he explained that it was truly necessary and that it needed to be done and that it was necessary to get deep into the good bone. This was going to leave me in a little more pain because the swelling was going to be so much more persistent.

Muse, Panda © 2012 Terrell Neasley
But you know what, I feel better about that now. I'm focusing more on the new stuff I'll be able to do when I hit the trails! I'm excited about my travels this summer! Ever seen a chained dog when suddenly let off the leash? They come blasting out the gates!! That's what I'm concentrating on. I won't be blasting, but I'm just looking forward to living again and I'm going to really make use of my long awaited ambulatory prowess. I'm going to do what I'm supposed to do and will try to make sure to not be stupid and rush ANYTHING. I've got 6 weeks of crutches. Then its at least 6 weeks of rehab. I'm going to make the best of it and get back on my feet. Not saying its not going to suck, but you know what, its no different than taking really bad-tasting medicine...except that the distasteful experience is a little longer.

25 August 2011

The Month of August

Birthday dinner with Dana and Jacob, Boulder, CO
Street performer, Boulder, CO
What can be said about this month of August? Its probably been the strangest birthday month to date. Good things...not so good things. Four main parts to this month have been the most significant. First and foremost, I had a birthday. So that was definitely a good thing. Another day above ground is always cool. Along with that, I took a trip to Colorado. This is where it gets a little tricky, but I won't bore you with the details and specifics. Suffice to say, I didn't get to shoot any models. I didn't get to see many of the friends I went there for because I had to cut the trip short. Time was limited for the friends I did get to see. And to really put the crown on the cake, my car suddenly took a dump. It began spitting coolant everywhere.

Street performer, Boulder, CO


It took me about 16 hours to drive back and about 5 gallons of coolant. I went straight to the dealership but they could not even find a problem after keeping the car for a day. It was believed that a gas attendant I saw along the way might have fixed the issue by releasing air pockets through a bleeder valve. Well, I lasted another week before my ride started spitting coolant again. This time, my buddy Felix and his life-long friend Art came over to look at it. Art found a leak in the water pump and thought it might be wise to change out the thermostat as well. He agreed to work on my car the NEXT MORNING. What I didn't know til after I got over there was that it was HIS BIRTHDAY and we spend from 7am to almost 5pm taking apart, replacing parts, cleaning parts on my car. We took apart the entire coolant system almost and flushed both the engine and the radiator. We replaced all the hoses, installed a new water pump and thermostat, and he made my throttle body look like new again since we had to remove it to get to the thermostat. Sadly the car is STILL spitting coolant. I'm giving it a few more days to see if it may have just been overfilling it or something simple. So the jury is still out on that one. Long story short... Papa needs a brand new ride.

The deaf cat



So yeah, its been a weird month. So much so that I've got friends asking me where I've dropped off to. Photo-wise, its been mainly catching up on edits. As soon as I got back, there were two projects waiting on me still and the primary one was from a volunteer session for NILMDTS I had done a week before I left for Colorado. I did more edits on that project than any NILMDTS session to date. I didn't get many shots from Colorado either. Most of my time was spent hanging with friends and when I did try to head up into the mountains, I got stranded on the side of the road while heading up some mountains waiting for my car to quit steaming. And this has probably been the month with the most VA appointments ever!

Street Performer, Boulder, CO


But this month has definitely been a blessing too. Despite the car, I honestly can't complain. Well, maybe a little with the knee and my back, but other than those things all together, its been a blessing. I got to see 3 friends that I hadn't seen in 25 years. The only regret was that I did't get one shot of me with Kev, Jay, or Susie! I spent the majority of my time at Kevin's house and despite the 3 times we went out... not one shot. I only got to see Jay and Susie only briefly but still, not even a camera phone photo. I also to see two former models of mine that I hadn't seen in 5 years. I spent the night with one of them, Dana, (another shot of Dana) and since I wasn't going to get to do any camping, I took my sleeping bag out on her patio that was covered by a big crab-apple tree. Her boyfriend was also a former photo classmate of mine from college in Murray State University in Kentucky. They took me out for a birthday dinner that night.

I haven't done any more nudes since working with Viki Vegas in early July. So I need to change that. I think my next concept will be a little more edgy and possibly dark. Any takers? I've been doing safe and conservative for a little too long so I definitely need to spice it up a little. Come to think of it, I hadn't been doing much hiking either. Its too friggin' hot to do stuff locally, but I could easily head out to Mt Charleston or maybe something out to Utah. My last hike was with Aletha and friends in mid-July and that was Mt Charleston's Big Falls. Before that it was in June where I also camped out and did Little Falls that night and Big Falls that morning. I guess I never posted any pics from any of those hikes.

Well, the month isn't over so there's still lots I'll still have to report on. I gotta finish this thing up quick. Got another VA appointment on the other side of town. Hope the car holds up!

Mary, Katherine... Sorry I didn't get to drop in on you guys in Gunnison, CO. I'll be back that way, though... PROMISE!

29 April 2011

Make it Happen

"There is no scarcity of opportunity to make a living at what you love; there's only scarcity of resolve to make it happen."

- Wayne Dyer


Model, Trixie
What I've learned.... There are things you can control and there are things outside your span of control. In the midst of times like these when your backs against the wall, you've still got a choice. One option is to just surrender and let this whole mess take its course. Whenever you land when the storm is finally over, you can begin anew if you wish to do so. Or, you can ride this thing out while doing what IS in your control to affect. The resulting effect is that you are that much more ahead of the game when the tide turns. One thing you can always affect is YOU. When times are tough, you can still make a commitment to improve yourself. No matter what's going on around you, you can still make a choice to actively pursue development of yourself, whether that is physically, professionally, spiritually, or academically. When things in your world are spinning, you can always choose to keep your edge sharp in the meantime.

Model, Trixie
For me, that means studying my trade even more. Take in more online tutorials, re-read the manuals to your gear, staying abreast of the current trends, and looking for more avenues of differentiation. It also means getting back to working out. Sitting on your butt editing photos all the time and only moving when you get hungry can take a toll on the body. I'm down about 15 pounds for the year so far which is definitely a good thing. Another 15 and I'll be where I want to be. I can already feel a big difference in my body and its definitely a good thing to take the added pressure off my knee. I think its also important to spend some time improving yourself by helping others. Volunteer! I think I've mentioned before about my work with the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Foundation. We do free portraiture and photo sessions for mothers who give birth to stillborn babies or children who aren't expected to live long. Its a hard gig, granted. I did a session a few weeks ago that made me almost break down. I don't suppose that's anything I'll ever get used to, but I'm making a point to do more with them as calls for our services come in. Something like that may not be for you, but you can still take time to help teach others in your field who are up and coming. I've been a part of several photo organizations and try to do my part to assist my peers in becoming better.

Model, Trixie
I've always been a proponent for multiple streams of income. Most people hear about that with dealings of multi-level marketing businesses. Those are great alternatives, but if they're not for you, then I still think its important to have that mindset. Write a book or a screen play. Hey, you never know! Start working on a secondary business that has nothing to do with your main business. It can be complimentary to your main money-maker, but its better to not have the same tie-ins. When you main line of revenue begins a seasonal downturn, your secondary generator usually takes the same hit if its tied to the main. Something that ain't connected will still allow sustainability while your main rebounds. Slow downs in your business are excellent times to work on personal projects and develop those alternatives into viable options and bring them to fruition. I knew a teacher once who earned a decent living and drove an old car, but lived in a really nice paid-for house. What most people didn't realize was his side gig of about 10 rental houses that he successfully ran. He saved his money from teaching, bought his first rental property and then used the proceeds to purchase more. If he lost his teaching job, the man would still do very well.

Model, Trixie
I think its important to spell out your plans. Write them down. I've been told that for years and have done so in the past. For whatever reason, I had done that in a while and didn't follow my own rules. An opportunity forced me to put everything on paper and a lot of the mystery mist began to clear. I've written several business plans for other companies and individuals. I've consulted and reviewed other people's plans. When it came to my own, for some reason, I just kept it in my head and got all the more frustrated when things simply weren't coming together. It wasn't until I started writing everything out, just as if I were doing one for another person that my scope expanded and possibilities began to develop and present themselves. The dream became a goal-oriented vision, as opposed to remaining as a fragmented ghost-like apparition that I could hardly remember details about.

Model, Trixie
So many people around me are being affected by this economy. I say now's the time to rebound and I hope you'll do it with me. I'm far from perfect, but I do know better. Do the right things. Stay the course. Make every day count as a step towards the goal. Every action and choice should bring you closer to improving your game. Ultimately, it shouldn't matter what the economy is doing. Our success should not be dependent on external factors. I say we move forward, take the hits as they come and deal with the setbacks by continuing to manage the things we can control...ourselves. Learn from not only your mistakes but others as well. Fall, get back up. Do the right thing again. Don't succumb to depression or become weary of setbacks. Keep moving. Make it happen. We can do it.

These are photos from my first ever session with Trixie from about 3 years ago. Trix has her own business, Just 4 Trix, LLC,  teaching Pole Dancing in her studio located here in Las Vegas. I got to do some work with her recently and got to see her students and clients learn the routines. Some of these women do it just for the workout and believe me, Trix will make you work up a sweat. I saw women of all sizes and shapes, but there was one guy who was blowing them all away! I hadn't seen a guy with that sort of skill or agility except for in Cirque du Soleil shows. If you've ever been interested in giving this a try, now's the time. I keep running into women that say they've always wanted to do this. Well, no more excuses. When you meet Trix, you'll understand what I mean when I say she's an exceptional woman. She knows her trade, she has the skill to demonstrate, and she's a natural born teacher. Check her out.

16 March 2010

Happy Birthday Mr. Norris...So Long, Mr. Moore


Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as giraffes.

 The square root of Chuck Norris is PAIN. 

Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris. 

Yes, We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

Model, Joan "By the Serenity Pool"



Last week I attended the WPPI 2010 Trade Show and got my hands on a few interesting new products that I think could be helpful in my arsenal of photo works. And then I also encountered a booth that promoted their wedding albums at every 3.2 stations I passed by. Good GRIEF! I think there should be a limit to how much of one product or service that we should be inundated with. They were like the porn card pushers you encounter on the Las Vegas strip.There's got to be some regulation on that sort of thing. Of everything that I came across, I think the most intriguing thing and funniest was the View-Master style reels and views being offered by Celebrations3D. Everybody had a View-Master when we were kids. To see one now, was both funny and a potentially great novelty to promote. It wasn't all that cheap though, but it could be well worth it to pursue. Check 'em out.
 

A few days before the WPPI trade show, I also did a certification training seminar for the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Foundation, which is a special organization of which I have recently become a volunteer. The workshop proved to be very insightful for me. In a nutshell, this group was founded about 5 years ago to help parents deal with the grief of giving birth to a stillborn child or one who is not expected to be in this world very long. This is a nationwide foundation that collaborates with hospitals and parents to provide professional portraiture of these babies free of charge for the families as a remembrance that these babies were actually here and to confirm that they did indeed exist. A birth certificate is certainly a certification of proof of life. However a photograph truly announces to the world that a life existed today and has left an indelible impact on the world, even if that world only consists of a mother and a father. 



I've taken a personal interest in promoting this cause because they could use a few more photographers to lend a hand and serve this need. I understand that this is not for everybody. It's actually a good thing for you to know your limitations and accept them, if even just for the time being until those limits change. For those of you wishing to find out more about NILMDTS, you can visit the website,www.NILMDTS.org. A documentary has recently been produced on DVD entitled Capturing a Short Life. You can view a short trailer on the film by going to it's website and then selecting the TRAILER tab. www.capturingashortlife.com. If this is something you feel you have a heart for, please consider a closer look and become well informed before making a decision. I believe this to be a cause worthy, not only for consideration, but also service. 



You'd think that a person who's dedicated to his craft would know 90% about the history of their chosen field. Sort of like an actor who knows of all the notables who came before him; or the musician who has studied all the famous artists of her genre. I'm so not there yet. There are a whole bunch of photographers. I was talking to a lady on the phone today who asked me about a few photogs here in Vegas. I think I had heard of one. Vegas is chock full of photographers. Even moreso than a Chips A'Hoy cookie has chocolate chips that you are promised to get in every bite. Well, in a little bigger news, I was surprised to see a good friend of mine make a message board post about Charles Moore who passed away at the age of 79. This guy was the front and center photographer who was up close and personal getting many of the shots from the civil rights days. According to Wikipedia, he also covered conflicts in the Dominican Republic, Vietnam, Venezuela, and also Haiti. He was all over, but he's mostly know for his shots traveling throughout the South.

I've seen his shots, but never knew who took them. The images were so powerful in nature that, I just never bothered to ask who the author was. You were too emotional about the images and the people in them. He's got the one image of the demonstrators being hit with  high-pressure water hose. Finding out who took the picture would have been the last thing on your mind unless you were a newspaper editor and needed it on your front page. No, in this case your heart would inevitably go out to the young black people being blasted with the water and then become so angered by such atrocities that you want to cry out. But you don't really stop to ask how the images came to be. Until my friend Scott, mentioned it, I never knew the man. The guy certainly put his life on the line to get these shots. It was one thing to be black during these days. But being white and supportive of black causes could have been even more appalling. You can see one of his books at Amazon, "Powerful Days: The Civil Rights Photography of Charles Moore". Do a Google Image search on his name. 

These are images of Joan who wanted to see how I might capture her with a camera. I was humbled that she felt I was the right guy to do these shots and was very pleased that she enjoyed them. Being so uninhibited made her easy to shoot and I knew things were flowing well when we were interrupted by 3 hikers and her clothes were out of reach. There was no sense of anxiety. I even gave some directions to the hikers to help find a path up the canyon walls since I had been up there before and gotten stuck.We kept on shooting for another few hours and called it a day. AND she waited patiently for me to edit the shots. As anxious as she was, she never called me once about them to ask to see "some" of them. It was a cool shoot. Expect more. 

Oh, Chuck Norris recently had a birthday and turned 70. Thought I'd share some interesting facts I found out about him from Chuck Norris Facts.com.

 
  • James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  • Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. 
  • According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday. 
  • Chuck Norris CAN divide by zero.
  • Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  • Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and GOT one.
  •  If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. FOREVER...
  • Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
  • Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
  • Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic. 
  • Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe. 
  •  There are no such things as tornadoes. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks. 
  • Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building. 
  • Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.
  • When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.